This just in!

I got a Merry Christmas picture from my Mom and little brother Luc in New Hampshire! Glad I'm down here, that looks COLD!

Merry Christmas!

Pictures

Hi! Got any carrots?




Well can I eat the Camera then?





Fine I'll just go eat nasty old grass. Over there.



I love human foals. They have lots of apples. And if you lick them they squeak.

human trust test

So you're not sure that your trust levels are on the up and up with your human. How do you know you can trust your human? Do what I did.

Human Trust Test
have your human come to the barn ridiculously late so that she doesn't have time to groom you properly. (Hellooooo, my mane is all scraggly!!)

Reproach her for not working you in the morning like all the other horse moms.

Take her to the indoor ring before moonrise so that she can't see.

I decided to let her look for holes while I looked for wolves. She told me that I actually see in the dark better than her, so then I had to look for wolves and holes. Humans really are helpless aren't they?

Well She-who-feeds forgot to leave the correct outside light on so it was REALLY dark.

Mom opened the door to the indoor arena (this is one of the reasons we domesticated humans right? They have thumbs.) and we saw the greatest blackness. I tell Mom that we can do it so in we go.

You couldn't see your own hooves it was so dark! Mom couldn't see anything either! So I put my muzzle on her shoulder and she used the w-h-i-p to feel for the light switch.

Lights on! But the indoor is so foggy our trip is useless. Mom said it would make for lovely pictures, but I am wooly like the yak and she does weird things with her hair in winter, so needless to say, we didn't look our best.

I had her make use of those thumbs and turn on the outside light so we wouldn't be blinded by the greatest blackess.

We went back out into the night and made it back to the barn. I, of course, had to look for cougars AND holes. (How do they manage after they leave the barn? I guess their house wolves help them along. Why they keep wolves is beyond me.)

I was so proud of my human. She never spooked or put a foot wrong! I did have to reassure her a bit but she was so good that I let her give me all the carrots!

here's another recognition of my pony greatness that I got from cdncowgirl. when I got it I couldn't figure out how to post it at the time. Thanks!!!

One red horse has recognized my awesomeness with this award. Of course. We all know that I am the best horse ever.

Mom says that there are rules involved with this recognition of my greatness. Apparently I have to nominate five other people to receive the same.

and I can't believe it, but I can't nominate myself five times. The NERVE!!!

Fine.

Freeway, the horse that was saved.

Roxie, my girlfriend on the internets.

my human grandmother

Lester, the thoroughbred who is smart enough to get himself retired.

misu, Mom says she's my cat sister. I've never met her, but mom says she's funny. whatever.

Pictures

Because you can't get enough of me, here's some pictures. and one of Ukon too.

Ukon

This is a picture of Ukon. Mom took it while he and his person were being tortured by Trainer. Ukon is taking his person to live in Florida. He told me that his person said that his new house is beautiful and that there are lots of big horses there. I heard mom tell his person that we'll have to come visit sometime. That would be fun! Mom says that there's real cart horses there for me to make fun of. I can't wait.

Houston

even though he is a bird horse, he needs all our jingles, prayers, and love. Hou's feet bones have rotated. His front feet hurt really bad. the people said he has founder. I hear that this is really bad. I'm in the little paddock next to him to keep him company.

So please think of Houston.

there's no shaking her!

Ok ok. To make a long story short, I hate my saddle. I hate it so much I really bucked hard with she who rubs and rides. I even broke the crupper! (which is good. I hate that too) and the idiot humans finally figured out that my saddle was wrong. DUH! I tried telling you, but did you listen to me? Noooo. Mom says we're getting a special saddle made just for me because she's "sick of this saddle mess. Just sick of it." Me too.

Well anyway, she who rubs and rides got on me bareback. It was great till she wanted me to trot. Hellooo you don't have a saddle remember? Well I tried to show her the flaw in her idea by doing a capriole. My first capriole! WELL SHE STAYED ON!!! When I landed I decided to trot. Then I reared once and she told me that as boss mare she is perfectly capable of killing AND eating me so I was a good boy after that.

for now.

What the heck!!!

ok what did I do?????

I mean really! I don't get it! there I was, being a good boy, and Mom and She who rubs and rides were there and Aunt Gigi and and and THEY MADE ME CANTER AND CANTER AND CANTER!!! Mom never rides me like that! When she rides we just toodle around and she acts like I'm made of glass or something and I get all the good boys. but Friday was different. it all started normal enough. she who rubs and rides got on me and we walked real slow. then we walked faster. then we trotted. and then everybody starts yelling "canter! canter! canter!" and I'm not sure I can do that because I don't canter with people on my back and AAAAHHHHHHH! I'M CANTERING!! Crap! how did that happen! I gave a buck but they made me keep going! I gotta trot! and they all start saying "canter canter canter!!!" and I do and they say "good boy!!" What?! I'm ALLOWED to canter with people on my back?! Okayyy, I'll do it, but I don't like it!

I cantered so much that I got really tired and sweaty. I didn't even want to walk ALL the way from the cross ties to the wash rack. she who rubs and rides asked what I thought of the ride and I just gave her my best "I don't know what the heck just happened" look and rolled my eyes. But then I got three carrots and an apple so maybe it wasn't so bad afterall.

the water snake LIVES!!!

Ok ok so I was walking to the lunge place with she who rubs my ouchy bits and now rides me and there was a water snake in the path!! AND IT MOVED!!! it wasn't a water snake, it was a real snake! I was very brave though. I did not run. I asked She who rubs and rides "well? what are you going to do about this?" And she saved us. she found a way that had no breathing water snakes.

My birthday bucket

I celebrated my 5th birthday yesterday. Mom came and gave me the best bucket ever. there were carrots and apples and alfalfa cubes and apple juice and molasses. Oh my gosh it was good. And warm, which is good because it was cool and rainy.

I liked my bucket so much that I had to lick it clean.

the medicines on my face are because Houston bit me. But that's another story.

I am Beautiful

look at me, Maximus the Beautiful.

Schnoz

So I have a big nose. Mom says guys with big noses are dignified.

So I outgrew my horse sized cavesson. Mom had to get an oversize. The crown piece is on the smallest hole while the nose band is three holes from the biggest. The flash is on the smaller end.

That just means I'm extra dignified.

I give up

No more bucking. I promise. for now.

word around the water trough is that Mom is going to send me away. she keeps talking about "getting me ready". I don't know what I'm getting ready for, but I think it has to do with my bucking. she keeps talking about someone named "trainer" and talks alot about "starting my canter work". I don't know who this "trainer" person is, but I hope they understand that I Maximus am an Imperial Horse. and I need sugars. and all the carrots. and I know how to canter. I do it all the time. I can even canter AND buck. today I canterbucked and changed leads. now THATS talent.

I am already planning all the ways I will test this "trainer" character. Doc the wise said that I shouldn't try the patience of Trainer. that horses who do not do what Trainer says stay with Trainer and don't return to their mom for a long time. he reminded me that we hadn't seen Ian Horse since the coldness. "That's because he is with Trainer" said Doc.
Doc is very wise.

she who feeds moved My Hannah to my side of the barn... I can see her from my stall. sigh.

But more on this Trainer. I've been asking around, and all the horses have different answers. Ukon says Trainer taught him alot. Trainer even belonged to Ukon . Houston says Trainer made him a school horse. Kicks said "Trainer? never heard of him. OOH a flower!" Kicks wasn't much help. Hannah said "you deserve Trainer you little !@#$." she loves me.

So I guess this Trainer person is going to teach me something. I think I'll teach Trainer to Levade.

oh

Oh Hannah! you are so beautiful. won't you love me? please??

Here's what I learned

Bucking, while fun and impressive, doesn't go over well when applied to humans.

I finally feel better. My ankle is healed, my feet are finally trimmed properly, and I've had my teeth done AND massages. So I had to show mom just how good I feel.

so there we were in the great outdoors. just Mom and me. she being the evil human that she is made me do hill work. well I wanted to take the easy route and she made me do the steepest, hardest parts. SO then when she wanted to go into the dressage ring to torture me some more I thought I'd show her what I thought of that. so I bucked. on the long lines. I nearly died. Mom went into boss mare mode and made me work HARD for another 20 minutes! doesn't she know I'm a Imperial Horse! I'm supposed to get my way!

so the next day she who tortures horses took me out to lunge. I haven't been on the lunge in AGES. mom said we were lunging because of my bucking incident. that I needed to respect her. well I had other ideas. while I was cantering, ok zooming, around she kept putting the w-h-i-p close to me. SO I zoomed in close and threw out a double barrel buck. I nearly died again. nearly. Then mom chased me! she chased me and chased me until I gave up, put my head down and followed her around. then she chased me the other way! I gave up already lady, don't you know I'm sorry??
then I had to go back to the barn behind her and got no carrots. doesn't she know who I am??

Then yesterday I got to lunge in the hunter ring *because it's in sight of the barn in case you managed to nail me you little bugger* and I zoomed around a bit. then I wanted to see if Mom meant it when she said I couldn't buck. so I bucked. THE W-H-I-P NEARLY BIT ME!!! so I bucked again, lost my balance and bit the dust. I didn't know humans could throw horses to the ground with their minds!! WOW.

I don't know if I'm done bucking though. we'll just have to see

Bath Day

This is how much I hate the water snake. I nearly drowned. There I was, trying to disguise myself as a chestnut and you had to go and wash it all off. Bah. That's what I say. Bah.

Hi! I'm little snot!

ok so I think my name has changed to little snot. Mom was making me beautiful and she had to undo one cross tie to let another horse go by. well I had to look around while she was trying to braid my mane and try to nibble her elbow. well I got a smack and a "little snot!" then Aunt Sherry started feeding and so I had to try to steal Houston's food and watch her feed. (had to make sure she remembered my bucket!) well I got another smack and "little snot!" oh, were you still trying to braid my mane?? oh well. then mom gave up and gave me dinner. THEN the worst! mom said how there is a photographer coming at the end of the month and so... I was going to get a groom-a-thon! well you won't believe it. I went to the washrack and mom came out with CLIPPERS!!! well they attacked me and ate all of my face!!! and then there was a bath. she even bathed my face! I nearly drowned! and then! then she put the tingly whitening on my tail and socks and I had to stand there FOREVER with my ankles tingling while she re-braided my mane. then I was rinsed off and had to do my best drowned rat impersonation.

never fear dear reader, I fought the clipper monster. I got lots of "little snot"s but I resisted. I feel I have some sort of victory because my ears and a bit of my star are still hairy.

heaven

dog who lies in paths went to wolf heaven today.

here's something I hate

saddle fitting. I hate saddle fitting. almost as much as I hate my old saddle. almost.

they put a saddle on you, tighten the breath stealer * girth * and get on your back. over and over and over. I tried on six saddles, and had two more put on me. some pinched, some flopped, and some rocked. I was a good boy though and did not buck.

Thankfully Mom found one we like so no more saddle fitting!

max the downtrodden

oh I am bad. bad bad. mom even made boss mare faces. we were riding and walking and then mom said trot and I did and I bunny hopped and mom ended up at my feet and I didn't know how she got there and she fussed and I thought she was going to eat me and then she got back on and I didn't even wiggle and I trotted like a good boy and then she made me walk BEHIND her to the barn and then after she took my tack off I went to my house and she left and she hasn't come back for two days and I don't know why.

*my back hurts you little monster. Its trying to go out. thank goodness I had my crash vest on. I looked like I was geared up for Peter Pan's S.W.A.T. team, but I'm not too hurt.*

well fine then

the weather has been cold and wet today so all of the horses have been wild. Gremlins love cold wet days after all.

So Mom takes me AND the bird horse houston to the indoor. Mom tried to get on my back so I wiggled and wiggled and wiggled. I thought it was a great joke but Mom didn't agree so I let her get on. well then we got to the middle of the ring and I just had to give a little buck. but Mom said "walk on Max" so I did. then we walked and walked and walked. it was all very boring so I decided we should trot a bit. about half the ring later I finally gave in and walked and walked and walked. I got alot of good boys and Mom even sang my good boy song to me! did I ever tell you I have my own song?? it's wonderful. it's all about me and my brave good boy self. it almost made me forget about the gremlins that suddenly arrived in the indoor.
But then Mom put me in a stall and tacked up houston! well he wiggled and wiggled too but he eventually let Mom get on. well they got to do all the fun stuff! trotting, cantering (alot of cantering) and even went sideways! I was fascinated and just watched the whole thing. but then I heard it. it was. DINNER!! so I had to neigh to Mom and let her and houston know. well houston was naughty then so I had to neigh again. they rode a bit more and then Mom took us to the barn where we had our dinner with carrots in it. (aunt Sandra always gives us goodies when she visits her horses. we love aunt Sandra.)

Aunt Diane asked how our ride went. Mom said I was an ape and hou was an angel. I've decided that apes must be much better than angels because I'm way better than houston.

I'm Back!!

I'm Back under saddle again! the vet came today and said I was a very good healing boy and that the hole in my leg is all gone. and now Mom can ride me again! and he said that I am such a good boy that I healed faster than he thought I would. and in two weeks I get to go out and play! watch out bear, your butt needs a bite! I also got bee stings on my neck *shots* and THREE carrots!! AND sugars! I am such a good boy!

to celebrate Mom put the not saddle *surcingle* on me and the longest lines and we went on the trail! it was so much fun! Bear, Ukon, and Walter were so happy to see me that they galloped to the fence to say hi. I wanted to eat all the grasses, but mom wouldn't let me. said something about working and blah blah blah. I'm not sure why I couldn't have the grasses, I wasn't really listening to mom. I just know that the horse eating whip tapped my butt when I tried to sample them.

AND I got to teach Mom "gee" and "haw". she heard from my first mom that I knew that and wanted to see if I remembered. and since she isn't real sure which means right and which means left, I got all the good boys.

take THAT bird horse!!

Oh Hannah!!!

So Mom helped me give Hannah a gift. (you remember Hannah? she's my love.) it was a box of notecards with a horse that looks almost as beautiful as my Hannah. and guess what!! Hannah wrote me back! OH OH Happy Day! she said that she's touched that I thought of her and that if she doesn't acknowledge my presence it's because she's contemplating the finer points of Piaffe and Passage. And she included pictures!

Oh my Hannah, I knew you would come to love me too!

Mom read me the letter, and I got a bit embarrassed and had to hide my face for a minute. I wish I could read so Bear didn't have to hear her letter.

Oh well

HAPPY EASTER!!

thprtt!!

take that houston! on friday AND monday mom came to see just me! I got my feet beautiful-ed and then a nice lady came and rubbed me all over and made my ouchie bits go away. she even did it to dog who lies in paths! he said she is the gail and that she is the boney bone fixer. whatever that means. I don't speak wolf.

the law is laid

so here is the Rules. You may ride the bird horse (even though you know how I feel about birds). you may groom the bird horse. BUT you must always groom me first. Doc the wise said I had to assert my rights as first horse and that is what I'm doing. If you fail to follow this rule then I shall look at you with disdain and not speak to you. so there. as first horse I must always be first.

Maximus the melancholy

never trust a bird horse.
sure Mom told me that she'd be leasing Houston but I didn't believe her. Houston is a bird horse. he's bay and the only white on him is a killer bird on his hip. *he's a Quarter horse with a bird brand.*
so here was my morning. I was busy grazing in this little paddock (my incarceration has improved slightly. now I get outside time.) and there's Mom!!! Oh I could use a good grooming and some peppermint cookies! wait, she's walking right past me MOM I'M OVER HERE! she came over and said "Hi Max, are you being good today? I'll come play with you in a minute."
Then she took Houston out of his pasture. I was shocked. Hey, she's MY person NOT yours!! Houston looked apologetic, but next time I get the chance, I think I'll bite him.
Then I hear Mom coming out of the barn. well she comes out with Houston all tacked up and wearing MY saddle pad!!! he's definitely getting bitten. I mean hey, next he'll probably be wearing my bridle! HOW am I going to wear my bridle and gasp! put my bit in my mouth knowing that he's been there!

*this won't happen. Max's saddle, yes, but not his bit. wait till Max sees him wearing HIS saddle! :) *

they went into the indoor together and I listened all I could and you won't believe this. I heard her say "good boy"! GOOD BOY. that's mine too! she's not allowed to say that to other horses! I even heard her cheer! OH NO they had a good lesson! well fine.
then Mom and the interloper come back. Mom says "hey little buddy, I'll be there in a minute." She's grinning from ear to ear. Aunt Diane is telling her what a good job they did and what a good boy Houston is. then, oh sorrow, I hear a carrot snap. then she took the stupid bird horse to his pasture.
Mom did finally come to get me. I walked really slow and sad like. then she groomed me and curried all the shedding hair off of me. I had to make sure she still loves me so I nibbled her elbow and stared intently into her eyes. she said "oh little monkey I love you. You're my good boy" then she kissed my muzzle and shared breath with me. I even got my peppermint cookies. I guess this wasn't such a bad day after all.

I'm a BAAAD monkey!

this is dog who lies in paths. mom says he's my big brother. I say he's a wolf. he's ok for a wolf though. he just walks around and looks worried. I like to follow him around and poke him in the butt. that makes him very worried. well since the humans have incarcerated me I decided to entertain myself. dog who lies in paths came to my barn with mom the other day and I followed his butt around like usual, but this time I bit it! HAH HAH what a good trick! Mom got mad though. real mad. said something about being nice, he's an old man, yadda yadda yadda. I don't remember. but hey, I get points with the other horses cause I bit a wolf!!!

I didn't bite him hard, I just bit him enough to make him worry. so all you dogs lying in paths activists can just get off my back ok? I'm already imprisoned after all! Gah, you'd think I'd bitten a wolf or something!

I bit a WOOOOLF! I bit a WOOOOLF! neener neener neener, I bit a WOOOOLF!

stall rest

well the humans have decided to coop me up in my stall. the weather has been warm, the grass is coming back and they won't let me out! It's all that vet's fault. I was wrestling with Walter (a carthorse) and hurt my ankle again. well the vet man came and said that the people had to lock me up. I don't know how long my sentence is, but it hasn't been too bad. Mom comes every day and loves on me and grooms me and scratches all my favorite spots. then she puts boots on my front legs and walks me around to eat the clovers and fescues. (the vet man said to have the boots on all the time but I outsmarted him. I took off a boot and destroyed it. now I only have to wear them when I go out.) then we play with the magic thing. it's this green thing and when you kick it or push it with your nose grain comes out! it's really fun. almost as much fun as knocking over trash cans. almost.

Mom is also teaching me things. like "foot" and "wiggle your lip". lip wiggling is especially fun because you get cookies.

I have BIG strides!

So the weather was cold, and I've been out of work after trying to kill myself again. So I decided to be a real pain the past couple of days. BUT somehow Mom's man got some good pictures of me. Who knew I could move so big! How do you like my tail? I had to lay in the mud just right to get that color!

I discover Heaven

heaven is green grass in winter. I wanted to eat it all. Mom wouldn't let me. she kept moaning about colic something or other. most everything I wanna eat that she won't let me is because of that colic thing. Oh well, maybe we can go on another walk about to those back fields.

gah I was cute!!

Man, was I cute or what??? these are some baby pictures mom nicked from my breeder's website http://www.royalviewfarm.com . they called me Coco, but now I'm Maximus the brave. (or mighty or magnificent, or whatever mood I'm in at the time)

I find my profession

I want to be a farrier. I do not want to be a dressage horse. mom says that a Dressage horse is a honorable profession, but my passion lies in feet. My farrier has the most fascinating tools. he has snips and files and all sorts of wonderful things. I like to pick them up and figure them out. I like to watch him work. I want a pair of funny chaps too. Mom says that Farriers need thumbs, but John the Farrier says that I can be a farrier too. Mom says that everyone in my family were dressage horses, and that I'm going to be a dressage horse too. I say Phooey. Mom take me to Farrier school!

I loves big Women

I love Hannah. oh she's so beautiful. she's big and red and has socks and a blaze and her hooves are so lovely and her booty is big and it's red too and her tail is long and her muzzle is so fine and her blaze is so big and white and perfect. sigh. once she let me sniff noses with her. made my life. I just like to watch her. I could watch her all day. I wish I could groom her. sigh.

*Max still has no idea that he's only 14.2. good luck reaching those withers in one piece little monkey, she's the boss mare. Even Ukon respects her. But Max has the biggest crush on her. he stands on tip toe and arches his neck, hoping she'll notice him.*